only 4 hours of sleep .. in the last 48 hours.

Right now it is almost 5:30 AM and I am surfing online- Thinking of the asshole make me finally cry. My heart is broken in million pieces. I only had 4 hours of sleep the last 48 hours. I am fucking tired. Too many thoughts went thru my mind as I laid in my bed. I can't think as too many things are jumbled all together at once. I can't sleep. It fucking hurts. Fuck him. Dammit. So hence why I am online surfing. sighs.

When he asked me to leave- What was I fucking suppose to think? If he had told me in first place but If he said he and ex both are friends? Why do I have to leave? Of course It's suspicious as he have had something to hide and wouldn't tell me the truth? It hurts when he asked me to leave. He said due to drama? I believe that Honesty is the best policy as I have always said in first place as I don't tolerate liars nor head games. I don't deserve being fucking lied to or treated disrespectfully. Don't you agree with that?

I have tried to figure it out why it hurts? After talking to someone- it all made sense to me. It is because I put my trust in him and he violated it. By not being honest with me and make me feel like he don't respect me at all. You know what I think of him? He is thoughtless, inconsiderate and disrespectful. I fucking deserve better than that. I don't forgive people because I am weak. I forgive them because I'm strong enough to know people make mistakes. I am not fucking ready to forgive him. Not now. Maybe later when I am strong enough.

He shouldn't be anyone special to me, He is just another guy. He shouldn't lead me on especially if it's a lie, one day it's love the next day it's done. He hurt me too much to be the one. Why? I know I will never get any answer out of this! This fucking sucks!

Damn this as I am typing- my eyes are pouring out. Finally I am crying. I couldn't cry yesterday. Why not? Is it because I am numb or what? Or maybe I have too much of my pride? Or maybe it's because I went thru so much so I don't cry anymore. I have went thru it so MANY times. I have lost count. I don't know. It's weird I can cry at the movies but I can't cry when something bad happened to me? I guess I am like a robot. I do know that I have lot of holes in my heart. Nothing can fill the void. No wonder I am depressed. Not just that but I do have anxiety attack and panic attack. I may have PTSD due to painful experiences. Go figures!

I wrote a draft- it is not that great but that's how I feel.

It hurts.


every time my heart beat it hurts.
that it feel like im dying..
i'm carrying lot of pains inside.
oh it hurts so badly..

I am sinking into darkness- no where to go ..
I want to die... so badly that it hurts
I am so confused that I am losing my mind.
every time my heart beat it hurts.

i need to be set free of the pains.
I kept thinking why?
I have run out of answers.
I guess i will never know.

Oh why does it hurt so much???



I guess I will have to deal with this one day at a time. As hard as it is- I gotta get thru this maybe with help and there is always tomorrow. New day- New Beginning. So Whatever. I guess I will look back and laugh at this. This is nothing. LOL. I guess there is a hope inside me. :\